Baruch Dayan Emet

On Saturday, April 30th, my grandfather passed away.
It was his time, and he died in bed, in our home, and it was peaceful.

My grandfather has been living with my family for the past three years, in a room we added to the house just for him. He moved in with us when he was no longer able to live on his own. Over the past few weeks, he became weaker, and needed more care and attention. The woman who came in to take care of him for two hours each day told us this past week that he was holding on until Pesach. Sure enough, he was able to attend both sedders, but it was clear to all of us that he was getting weaker and sicker as Yom Tov went on. Over Chol Hamoed, my family, with his input, switched him to hospice care - a service provided only to people who have six months or less to live, in which the only care given is to make the person more comfortable, not to prolong his life. After three restless nights spent in his chair because he could not breathe lying down in his bed, my grandfather agreed to accept the free hospital bed offered to him by the hospice service. On Friday, he received the hospital bed, and was comfortable for the first time all week. On Friday evening, my first cousin came for dinner - the only grandchild he had not seen over the course of the week (all immediate family members were at the sedder, except for my brother and sister-in-law, who visited more than once over chol hamoed), and she spent time with him and helped to make him more comfortable. On Friday night, he slept through the night for the first time in a week. He woke up early Shabbat morning, and my parents spent some time with him before he died peacefully a few hours later.

My mother says it is a great zechut to die on Shabbat, and my grandfather died on Shabbat and Yom Tov. He was not taken before his time, nor did he leave us suddenly. He was lucid until the end, and he saw each and every member of the family within the week before he died. He was almost 92 years old.

There were many tears over Shabbat, but also acceptance, and, in some ways, a sense of relief. We knew he was dying, and it was better that he not continue to suffer. On Thursday night, when I got home to help prepare for Yom Tov, I asked my grandfather if he needed anything. "Strength," he answered. This was something that none of us could give him. He knew that he was weak and dependent on us. This way, he died in our home, where he wanted to die, and the indignity of relying on us for all of his needs was not prolonged.

Over the course of the past two days, many memories have been shared, and we browsed through many of my grandparents' photos. We also celebrated Yom Tov, though perhaps in a more subdued way. We ate our meals and engaged in other conversations, chatting and laughing and hanging out. This was a sad time, of course, but it did not consume all of our energy. We were still able to, well, I want to say hang out. Especially those of our generation - the grandchildren and our guests.

I would like to extend my deepest appreciation to our two guests - one mine, and one my sister's - I know only one of you reads this blog, but thank you for downplaying the awkwardness of the situation and for being there for us when we needed you. Thank you also for not being afraid to be yourselves and help us to keep things at least sort of normal, especially at the Shabbat and Yom Tov tables.

Things got very complicated here, as my parents faced the question of what to do with a dead body on yom tov, and how to let our lunch guests know what had happened before they showed up on our doorstep - especially because they are a family of kohanim. For that matter, so was one of our Yom Tov guests, and I would like to thank him for really downplaying a halachically awkward situation, since he was already in the house when my grandfather died.

I would also like to thank all those who remembered my birthday - I don't like to use names in my blog, so I will use initials - and, as they say, vehamevin yavin (those who get it will get it) - A, R and Y of the upper west side for wishing me a happy birthday before yom tov, and my "archeology pals" as the birthday card said - A and L of the Rutgers crowd for the presents A brought me on Shabbat when she came for lunch. So A gets the same thanks extended to the guests who slept over, for being here for me. The same to D and R, and to D's mom, for helping me and M (my yom tov guest) to escape from the house for a bit when the funeral home people came to remove my grandfather's body - though I hear they did so in a very respectful way. And thank you to D for sharing his mother's birthday cake with me. The one my family served me at lunch had absolutely no redeeming qualities - not in appearance, not the cake, not even the icing - there was nothing good about it. In fact, it was so bad that my father, who eats almost anything, had quite the sour expression on his face after a single bite - and we gave him fair warning! I'd like to congratulate my great uncle for owning the factory that invented the Passover cake mixes (though he has since sold the factory) because at least those are edible. The one D made tasted almost like brownies!

So my birthday sort of wasn't, but it also sort of was. The lunch guests who didn't come sent me a gift and a card - written before Shabbat. It is a hamsa, and I will hang it in our apartment in the fall, after we move. We had my cake - or tried to, anyway - because it was a Pesach cake and it was then or never. And there were the fruits we bought for dessert - which had to be eaten for the same reason. I can't remember if we sang happy birthday, but I think we did, and D, R, etc. sang later too. There was also the gift my mother didn't get around to buying - she told me on Friday: a feather pillow (finally!), a bag for teaching, and tickets to Hairspray (to go with my siblings) - my father's friend, Bruce Vilanche is in the lead role. And there was the bag of gifts from A and L that A brought with her to lunch. The two of them decided that since I was growing up, they would get me some toys - including playdough (we decided not to think about whether or not it was chametz) and a slinky. And, to quote a certain friend whose birthday celebration was also postponed this month, "yay squashy pillow!" (mine is purple, and shaped like a heart - but no, it's not from Urban Outfitters).

Anyway, I am okay. I cried on Shabbat morning. The whole thing was very surreal - I woke up around 10, and my sister was in the bathroom, so I went downstairs to put in my contact lenses. My mother caught me on the way to the bathroom - before I got my contacts in, took my face in her hands, as she had done the day my aunt passed away eleven years ago, and told me that Pop-Pop had gone to a better place. I didn't expect to cry, but I did. I hugged her, and she hugged me, and we stood there and cried for a bit on each other. I cried on and off for the next little while or so. Maybe part of it was because it was my birthday - but a part of me expected it to happen that day. Maybe I cried because it was the thing to do. I can't really articulate why. In some ways, I felt like I didn't fully wake up until an hour or two later when I finally put on my glasses - because by then, my contact lenses were a lost cause. So it's all a little blurry, because that's how the world looked - a little blurry.

But this was how it was supposed to be. And we were all home for my grandfather, and also for each other, my entire immediate family.

If you are asking, I am okay. I cried, because that's what you do. But I am very much okay. This was not unexpected, and he was comfortable at last. It was his time, and he knew we were all here in the house with him.


FYI for those of you on the Upper West Side: I returned to my apartment briefly this evening to pick up some clothing, etc for the next few days (most of the stuff I needed was still at home in Teaneck from two sets of Yom Tov), and to take care of a few things like my rent check. The funeral is on Tuesday, and so I will be home at least through then, probably longer, since I have no pressing reason to return to the city. My current plan is to return for Shabbat. If you want to reach me, try my cell, or get my home number from Yehudit (or e-mail me for it) if my cell has no reception when you try me. I would post it here, but I am a bit paranoid about doing so. If you are on the KOE list, I think they'll be sending out an e-mail with info about the funeral and shiva, but you can also call me - not that any of you should come out here, because none of you know my father, let alone my grandfather. The e-mail would, however, have our home phone number.

Anyway, so that's the update. I hope to post more as the week continues. Maybe I will say some more about my grandfather and who he was in future postings.